Life is hard, there’s always a reminder that we could be doing better. And when we don’t? We let ourselves down. Letting other people down is easy, they’ve had their minds made up about us. Or we don’t care what they think long enough to care. Sometimes it’s not out of cruelty but rather pre-determined ideas that have set us up a certain way.
Lately I think about death. I could never end my life because I love my family, despite the difficulties I could never be that selfish. And I’m pretty selfish already. But it does make me wonder about those who ended life so much sooner. I mean these people (teens, mothers or uncles, whoever it is) are in pain, their in so much pain all the time and how they’ve been dealing with that pain is complicated.
I’ve been thinking about my own pain. It’s strange to think my own failures hurt like a pain in your side or a wisdom tooth pain. But it’s there. It hurts. So where did it start? With me, myself and I of course. My anxiety, my fear of everything (or almost everything) maybe my fear of driving, fear of commitment or fear of being in a job I don’t like forever. Maybe that’s what has stopped me before. And sometimes we try, we try so hard and it doesn’t amount to anything. So how do we change this? I have no idea. Right now, well right now I won’t lie but I’d settle for a job. While my mind and life or the universe figures out what to do with me. Yup, still in pain as I write this. Still in pain for all the things that should be easy, that other people can seem to do flawlessly but not me…Still in pain as I figure it out.
Thinking about death or suicide doesn’t mean you are dangerous or threatening to do anything but it does mean we are aware how it happens or why it happens. It isn’t the answer, not for me but unfortunately it is the answer for so many others. And that is pretty sad.
UpperWhispers 